OK, so a couple of weeks ago I FINALLY dug my old beach cruiser out of my mom’s garage, took it to the bike shop & got it it’s well deserved new tires & seat. Being a single speed beach cruiser, it really needed nothing else. Great. So for the weeks that followed I have had said beach cruiser in my car figuring I would venture out one of these Tuesdays after work on the Venice boardwalk… um, yea. Needless to say that never happened BUT that brings us to today. Feeling rather slothful as of late I figured, screw it, I live ON the bike trail (LA River) so I am going to take myself out for a ride.
So as I walked my bike out of my driveway & onto the trail I got a little panicked.. after all, it’s been a LONG time since I have ridden a bike. It was 10 years ago to be exact – and it wasn’t with great success mind you. I was in Tuscany on a rented bike that was not quite my size (I’m a wee person in the legs). As we meandered along the beautiful rolling hills surrounded by olive trees, vineyards & all that is beautiful and expected from the Italian countryside I nearly died. First of fright, and later an asthma attack. Since it had been 10 years prior to riding a bike THEN also, I was rusty to say the least. Nervous, unable to reach the ground with my feet and lacking control of my bicycle, I nearly went head on into an oncoming truck. A TRUCK!!!! Shortly thereafter I called it quits and sat at the side of the road crying & feeling quite sorry for myself. The tour van picked me up an hour or so later. Oh, as for the asthma – as it turns out I am allergic to Olive tree pollen and had completely spaced out that tiny fact when I set out on my little excursion.
Anyway, back to today. Well, I am happy to report that I did not sit at the side of the road and cry. Still, I found myself with a death grip on the handle bars & saying “Oh shit” a lot as I came across ruts in the road. I was so stiff it is not even funny. I didn’t get to enjoy much of the scenery though I did take notice of an incredibly hot guy sitting on a bench with his friend. Of course he TOTALLY lost it for me right after “Hi.” The sentence that followed was, “Do you party?” as he took a drag from his cigarette. blah – oh but he was eye candy! Then of course I wondered as I walked my bike a la Phoebe, “wow, I hope hot guy & his friend are not axe murderers because I seriously wouldn’t be able to out pedal them if I even made it back onto my bike…” yea, ok, so maybe I watch too much Law & Order..
Anyway, even with that quick little exhilarating/disturbing distraction all I really kept thinking was, “OMG I’m going to bite it & end up with road rash and a broken arm.” WTF?!?!? It’s a BICYCLE. It’s not as though that wasn’t my ONLY means of transportation as a kid. For fucks sake, I used to ride my bike EVERYWHERE. So what happened? Did I meet my quota back then for optimal bike riding and just totally screwed myself for the future? Wow, so much for that romanticized notion I have of owning a bike with a basket & a bell like all those europeans!!
I don’t get it. OK, so I am not the most athletic person but come on!! I can hold my own on a bucking horse. I can stay on as I ride at a full gallop with NO problem. AND I can successfully walk from point A to point B while wearing come-fuck-me stilettos. (just don’t ask me to gracefully step down from a booth at The Viper Room because apparently, that’s when I will eat shit.) But I digress. The point is, I have balance… but apparently not enough to properly recall how to ride a bicycle. As I type this my left hand shakes from the muscle fatigue I bestowed upon myself with my death grip! Again, WTF?
Oh, and did I mention that I only rode 4 miles round trip? FOUR MILES! Pffff. Whatever.
Yep, I seriously need to work on this. So, if anyone is interested in going for a bike ride with me hit me up. I guarantee you that you will be completely amused – at my expense of course. I could certainly use the motivation of company – and besides, if I DO eat shit at least I can be confident that someone will be around to scrape me up off the road! Hahaha. Yea, summer.