So as this day draws to a close and I settle in for some tea & time wasting the thoughts of the day still swirl around me. 4th of July is a bit of an odd holiday for me. I usually shun the barbecue & beach invitations in a vague, “thank you – but I already have plans” sort of way. The truth is, I do. They’re not grand or festive really. But I have plans. I ALWAYS have plans. Ever since I moved out on my own I have NEVER missed a 4th of July at my moms. Every year I go over in the evening & we sit on the front porch & watch as the neighborhood goes up in whistles, rockets & cherry bombs. Then at 9:00pm, when the air is quite thick with sulfur, the fireworks show at the high school starts. We then take our chairs to the back yard, find a spot on the driveway & watch those.
When I lived there I didn’t hang out with mom, but I would always manage to go to the school with my friends for the show. Tradition. Habit. Constant. Comfort.
This year was no different really – except for an almost palpable fear buried deep in my psyche but present enough for me to see it’s outline. I didn’t recognize it at first but my day started out with an uneasy lonely feeling. I had no plans to see friends and suddenly I really wanted to. Then I thought about it & realized I’d likely feel worse around them – like something was missing – like a part of me was suddenly missing. True that I’ve been out of sorts lately, so perhaps that just compounded the feeling. In any event, I set out to forget. I wanted to shake off that feeling that was eating away at me. So what did I do? I baked cookies. It was odd because I baked them for no one in particular and that made me feel worse. Fine, I then set out to revamp my internet profiles – that felt better. There’s something liberating in tearing things down & rebuilding them from the ground up even if it’s something so simple as a social website. Still, the feeling was there.
My mother is 80 years old. The reality that her presence on this earth is drawing to a close is with me. Today that reality was/is omnipresent. It grips me in a way I don’t understand. I’m well aware of the circle of life and am quite ok with that. So it isn’t the idea of death per se. I’ve discussed this topic with a couple of friends on separate occasions. One has experienced more familial loss than anyone should have to at an early age and the other no losses at all. Both of them look upon their aging parents and worry. Fear how things will be when that day comes. Today I joined them. I never really worried before, but rather looked at it objectively as something that will happen, I will be a little sad but ultimately go on with my life. Today I had that palpable fear that even now as I think on this, it tightens around my heart.
So of course I had plans today. And as far as I’m concerned, I have plans next 4th too. It’s like if I keep going there for the 4th of July the inevitable will be kept at bay. I know that’s not true but when I get down to the bare frame of what was with me all day it’s that fear of being completely alone and abandoned by that which has made me. (for better and worse in some aspects) my mom – my tradition – my strength – my childhood home in HP where so many of my dreams are still staged.
At around 7:30 I packed up the chocolate chip cookies & made the short trip to Huntington Park. When I handed them to my mom she lit up with a smile and said, “I’ve been meaning to make some of those! Thank you!”
She poured me some fresh lemonade and we went out to the porch and carried on with the time honored tradition. The only difference is that this year I made her cookies without even realizing that they were for her.